I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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