Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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