I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
