i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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