Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
