don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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