It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
