I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
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Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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