tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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