There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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