I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
