Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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