Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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