my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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