What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
