I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
