My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
