i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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