After last night, I could never be a politician.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
