hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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