So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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