I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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