tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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