Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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