My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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