Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
