u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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