I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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