She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
