Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
