you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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