I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Holy shit dude........stairs
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
