hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
