I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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