Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
