dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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