Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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