i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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