I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize