Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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