he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
