You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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