PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
