hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
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I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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