He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
