I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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