if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
In other news, I just burned my penis
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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