I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
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If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
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She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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