so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You are the jesus of drinking
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
