textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
