I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
