Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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