We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
